Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Word to the Great White North

Who's the homie in Bretona, Alberta who spends hours reading my blather? Most curious.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Dumber than fish*

CNN is running this article today regarding a specific type of brain cell found in humpback whales.

All I could think while I was reading it was, "Heh heh...humpback. HUMPback. Heh heh."

Sigh. Sorry Mom. Again.

*Yes, I know whales aren't fish. It's all part of the "Helen's an idiot" joke, dig? Thanks for playin'.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Helen's Helpful Holiday Hints

If, when visiting a loved one in the hospital, you should decide to sort of accidentally break the toilet in his room by sort of accidentally pulling the pipe from the wall, causing water to gush and spray all over the bathroom and yourself, I advise you not to do it on Thanksgiving. Hospitals, you see, don't necessarily expect their maintenance personnel to work on major holidays. Also, your loved one's roommate may get a little upset when he enters the bathroom a few minutes later for the purpose of emptying his pee jug and finds the toilet inoperable.

Not good. Not good at all.

Good thing I only went Number One.

(Sorry, O...Happy Drinksgiving anyways...)

Monday, November 20, 2006

Dear Miss Manners...

A hypothetical scenario, requiring your input:

Older, respectable higher-up type from your company gets in the elevator with you and three or four others on a Monday morning. He stands in front of you, and turns to his left to speak to a colleague. When he turns back to face the front of the elevator, you notice that the prominent bald spot on the back of his head has been painted over with some sort of bubbly beige-colored goo which closely resembles something your cat barfed up over the weekend.

The proper response is:

  1. "Good morning, sir! My, that's some Great Looking Hair!"

  2. Silence + the best fake smile you can muster while chomping on your tongue

  3. Silent prayer thanking god for the spare panties in your desk drawer, as present pair has been mildly soiled

  4. Make eye contact with fellow elevator occupant, draw his/her attention to the head in question, and struggle together to suppress horrified giggles

  5. Avoid eye contact with all fellow elevator occupants completely, with knowledge that shared horrified giggles will be far, far more difficult to suppress

  6. Do the old guy a favor by farting loudly and excusing yourself, red-faced, thereby trumping his humiliation

  7. 2 + 3

  8. 2 + 3 + 5

  9. 3 + 4

  10. Other (please be specific)

Confidential responses will be accepted here.

Your thoughtful participation is greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

How to get laid at the office

Pay attention, boys. This shit works.

Helen: Jesus, it's so cold in here. Is it me? I'm freezing! (waaaaah)

Helen's officemate, Eric: Nah, I think it's fine.

Helen: Dammit. What's wrong with me?

Eric: I think maybe you just don't have enough fat on your body.

Helen: ...

It matters not that this is total bullshit. The kid is good.

If only he weren't actually a kid, and I didn't have to, you know, share an office with him.


Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Thanks Rummy!


See what happens when you do what I tell you? Nice work, kids!

I got free pizza for lunch today, too. I think the only way for this day to get any better would be for Britney to announce that she's a lesbian.

You're the only one crying, cockbag! Buh-bye now.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Vote, bitches!

It's time to take the power away from the stupid people.

I'm Helen Damnation, and you're goddamn right I approve this message.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Helen's Mailbag

Believe it or not, this bitch has fans.
Okay, one fan.
But he sent me a present!
Well, kinda.

Joshua L. from Minneapolis, MN, writes, "I was thinking of you when I found this."

Wow, thanks Joshua! It brings a tear to my eye, knowing that you have me in mind. It's you, the fan, who makes all the hard work worthwhile. This Butt's For You.
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